“How can I help him?” ~ Ask Dipali


Dear Dipali,
I’m in love with a man and I want him to be happy so we can be happy in our relationship. We’ve been together for three years. He is drinking due to various things in his life and is not getting any outside help for it. I go high and low with him when he goes into his drinking daze.  I worry, get fearful he doesn’t love and highly anxious as to when he will contact me again.  When I need his help or comfort he isn’t there. I usually end up going over to his place, emailing or calling him. I also end up being the one to compromise when we get in arguments. We both have been hurt a lot in past relationships. He won’t let any of his past issues go.  He makes me really angry, annoyed, exhausted but I can’t let go of this this relationship.  We do end up accusing each other of things we didn’t even do, but that our ex’s did to us. What can I do, I feel desperate.  How can I help him change? Thanks.

Response from Dipali

The more appropriate and empowering question is; How can I help myself, so I can offer my best to my partner and the relationship?

A genuine loving and empowered Relationship is like a two way street. There is a give and take. A nice harmony and honesty. Both individuals are involved.

From what you wrote, my sense is this has become all one sided. You are doing all the work because you are afraid of losing him and desperate for his attention. That can be a downfall in the relationship in the long run. You are ignoring key signs and you are giving way too much to him therefore compromising yourself in the process. You can end up spoiling him, because he gets too used to you doing all the work and upkeep in the relationship. And from what you have written, you have your own healing and issues to resolve.  You actually need to pull back from giving to him to tending to your own needs. You will then re-balance the energy inside of you. Focus your attention on that. Clearing up your past may also benefit this current relationship. What do you need to let go of?  What do you need to heal. You are in control over this. You are responsible for your emotions he is the catalyst for them.

It seems as if he has past issues and addiction(s) which are sitting between you and him. Until he is ready to seek outside professional help such as counseling or a crisis hotline and other support – there is not much you can do. Accept this is who he is. You can’t change that.  You can wish and hope he does for himself. Yet, you can’t force him to let go of his past if he is not ready to. It is possible to sit down with him (when he is in a clear state of mind) and review or revise what your relationship with one another is all about. What is in harmony and what feels way off balance.

Ask yourself; what type of partner is suitable for me? Why am in a one-sided relationship? How do I deserve to be treated in a relationship? Do I feel worthy for a man to love me unconditionally and be there for me equally? Is this current relationship balanced empowering and growing? Or is it stuck and showing signs of serious issues?

Remember when you feel empowered, love yourself deeply a beautiful being and feel worthy of genuine love, you will want a partnership or relationship which matches and accept nothing less.

All the Best,